I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.