I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
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My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
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have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.