Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.