so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.