I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
