I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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