I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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