I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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