i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
