my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
