how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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