Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
