i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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