Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
