My friends, they love my intelligence
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
