Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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