Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You're a waste of cheezeits
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
