thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
