I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
