I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
