I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
