I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
