After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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