hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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