apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
