You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
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She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
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Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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