i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
