I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
