just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
