i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I need mimosas to revive my soul
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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