i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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