You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
