My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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