I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
