His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
