so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
