Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
