i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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