Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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