I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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