I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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