1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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