I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
