I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
