You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
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Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
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I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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