i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
