seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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