I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
