The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
