I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
