Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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