He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
