a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
