DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Actions speak louder than pants.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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