did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
