my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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