ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
