If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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