Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
